Universal Soldier: Regeneration

That’s the plot to Universal Soldier: Regeneration, and it’s even better than it sounds. It’s not Van Damme’s first or even 15th attempt at a gritty reboot, but it’s the first one that has generated a great action movie instead of a love letter to clinical depression.

The Gritty Reboot of the JCVD Rating System

For years I’ve been using a JCVD movie rating system based around four main criteria: sassy female reporter, buns, a second Jean-Claude Van Damme and the splits. It’s measured on a Splits scale that goes from 0 percent Splits for “No” to 100 percent Splits for “Yes.” However, since Van Damme has become a grim and serious actor, this system doesn’t work. That’s why I’ve developed a modern JCVD rating system that uses four new criteria: moody soul searching, kickfighting, gunfighting and a lack of value of human life. This new system is measured by the length of Jean-Claude’s grim and unfakeable 1000-yard stare. His eyes have eaten things that would make yours puke.

The survival rate for characters in this movie is so low that people still die when you have it paused. There are no periods in the script because every sentence gets finished with a knife in the neck or an exploded chest. There was so much fake blood on the set that they had to film it from canoes. The board game Travel Operation has more respect for human life than Universal Soldier: Regeneration. It’s like Jean-Claude Van Damme set out to create the first truly honest documentary of where Happy Meals come from.

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